A few experiments

I have been feeling rather depressed lately. Pretty scarily depressed. It's weird...it's been a LONG time since anything like this has hit. You know, everyone gets the blues sometimes, but this is bad. I started getting so worried by some of the thoughts that I told Ben - which of course freaked him out a little. If it were a day or a week, that's different than the months this has been going on. Anyhow, instead of getting better, things have only been getting worse. And it's not like there's anything to be depressed or down about. I know I have it really good. I have an amazing husband who goes to work pretty happily everyday. Then he comes home and cleans up or pays bills or listens to me endlessly and doesn't complain. He doesn't even complain when he comes home and for the countless time he finds that no dinner is ready and his wife doesn't even seem to care. It's not that there's nothing to cook, but rather I just feel like it all doesn't matter. Besides, someone will take care of it. That someone is usually Ben...Then I have three beautiful, healthy children who are pretty happy and make me smile, but lately I've just felt no real joy about anything. I like playing with them, but that's after I feel guilty, force myself to play with them, and then half-way through decide I really don't feel that guilty and send them to play by themselves...sad. I have a warm home, a great car, good neighbors, friends, loving extended family who would do anything if I would just tell them, but why? I don't know what's wrong, so how would they.
I decided that all mothers and women must feel like this at some point in their lives. But I was creepily disturbed by the apathy I felt...the guilty would drive me to do something, but that was slowly receeding into a few weeks of plain not caring. Completely not like me. I woke up several times and deleted EVERY SINGLE TASK I had wanted to get done. If you were on my list to get something for or call, I'm very sorry that it didn't happen. Maybe I'll remember someday.
It's not like I'm broadcasting this on a daily basis. I stil get up, get dressed, and I even feed my kids. Sometimes a few loads of dishes get done by me. I do what I have to, but I feel like it's taking everything I have and it's still getting worse.
Anyhow, because Ben is a man and all men like to 'fix' things, it was discouraging when he would ask what he could do and I didn't know. He tried sending me out with friends or family to get away for a bit. Nice, but things kept going down.
Now things are still 'down' I guess, but I told Ben I would fake it. I know deep down that this discouragement and apathy are not of God and I know there should be something that snaps me out of it...but there isn't. It's only through pushing harder than I've pushed in a long time to strengthen my testimony that I am getting through some days. Pushing really hard right now isn't the same as studying for a set time everyday like I was doing at one point last year. Pushing right now is digging down deep everyday and asking for help merely to read one verse and plead for help nearly every second of the day. I glad I pushed differently when things were cheerier.
I recently found a few things that seem to be helping. First, the faking it really has gotten me through some bad days. Second, I built up my relationship with God when things were better and while I feel like I'm sucking that well beyond the dry stage, I know it's holding me together until I can crawl my way back. Third, I'm trying my hardest not to shut people out. It's what I want to do - stay in bed and shut the world out...including my family. However, I know that whether it's tomorrow or a year from now, this too shall pass, and shutting the world out isn't going to help speed things along.
I recently stumbled across a book called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. It's about taking one day at a time and doing things like singing & enjoying the moment. What I've read so far has really stuck with me. Another book, The Love Dare, by Alex Kendrick is helping me with my relationship with Tyler. It's for marriges, but since the book is basically a course in how to love - it's perfect for me and Tyler right now. I'm on day 7 and it's been the best and worst 7 days in a long time. But Tyler and I are getting along better as the days go on and it's healing both of us.
I know where the onslaught that I'm feeling is coming from and I know that I have to fight it, but it's hard to fight when you feel like you can barely move. It's strange, but depression really hurts you physically because your spirit and body are united. Al I want to do is hide.
I know why this is happening - it's happening to women all over. If the wife and mother can be brought to questioning herself and her worth, then of course that can take care of a whole family. So simple. And yet knowing that doesn't make me want to try harder... I don't know what the experiments I'm setting up will bring, but I know it will do something. Even when we can't see the results, our actions always effect something. I know there will still be plently of days of pretending like I can function and then not being able to. It's hard to have an eternal perspective, but I can still get a glimpse every now and then. I feel like I'm fighting just to exsist...that's okay, for now.