Oxygen is Amazing!

I have been thinking about this subject a lot lately. A year anniversary is coming up for me - the anniversary of my publicly sharing my post partum and how that wasn't really working out for me so well. I remember well the months leading up to my big break down. I remember panicking about suddenly feeling the need to put Trenton into kindergarten (I had been homeschooling him) and all the tension in my brain about feeling the need to explain to so many people my decisions and choices. I remember all the sadness and guilt and awfulness.
A recent talk with one of my best friends has prompted me to write down now, almost a year later, a little bit about my holding on and getting through the last year.
First of all, my priorities changed. I shifted all my focus from my lists to basically the most important things: feed my family, sleep my family, and if there was energy, dress my family. That's it. I lived on that for awhile. I realized soon after posting that I was drained. That's what we women do - give until we have absolutely NOTHING left to give.
I took a special trip to the store and a health food store for myself. I am still basically taking what I started to take a year ago: multivitamin, extra iron, calcium, red raspberry, and I started forcing myself to eat - actually try and eat something that would get me through a few hours. I wasn't eating great. I'd make sure my kids ate well, when I did feed them, but I was completely neglecting myself, which of course was made worse by my nursing Paige at the time. I added spinach and chlorophyll and a lot of protein drinks to my diet. I'm not saying it was all healthy, but I was trying to get something good in me as fast as I could. Most of those 'extras' I added last year I haven't stopped because I know I'm still a mother of young children who need me to have the energy to pay attention to them once in awhile.
Another thing I did was read the book of mormon through - on my phone, one verse at a time while I was nursing. Towards the end of the year (read November) I actually started reading whole pages and even chapters, but it was completely based on the day. Not pushing myself and beating myself up for not getting to something helped. But I can honestly say I didn't crack open my scriptures for over a year. In fact I opened them three weeks ago and was amazed how they felt. Like a lost treasure. It was cool - but I could hardly think about actual, real scripture study with writing in margins and having insightful moments last year. I prayed a lot - mostly while nursing or in the shower as those seemed to be my only semi-quiet moments and I knew Heavenly Father loved me anyway. Three weeks ago when I finally cracked open my scriptures I had this idea that I wanted to read all the standard works this year. Very ambitious for someone who could barely push in a verse a day. We'll see - it makes no difference if I do or not, but that I finally once again have the desire and ability to study a little more will help fill my bucket up again.
One thing I prayed for intensely was that my Young Women I was responsible for wouldn't see through my fakeness and decide they never wanted to be crazy like Sister Spencer. I knew the hormones would calm down eventually, but that's hard to explain temporarily crazy to a teenage girl.
We moved last year - moving is hard even if you're feeling on top of the world. I surprised myself and still haven't done much yet. I've patched a few holes and many of the boxes are unpacked, but I still have closets and storage rooms that need attention and I have just decided that it'll happen. Whenever.
Keeping my main focus of feeding, sleeping, and dressing in view I have managed to get through the last year and even started to feel a little bit of me come back. I am not a huge sweets lover normally. However, when pregnant or nursing (or the six months following nursing) I tend to inhale anything in site that might list chocolate or sugar on the label. Tonight I was in the shower and actually craved a salad! Crazy??!! Absolutely! But one thing I did was not exercise until I felt like I would not beat myself up when I would miss and let myself eat sweets when I wanted them, guilt free.

This January rocked our family. From the moment we got home from Christmas it felt like we had something going through the family. It was so nice of everyone to share - multiple times over, but it was a little bit draining...:P.
In January we had: flu, colds, UTIs, double ear infections, pnemonia, concussion, seizures, strep, e. coli, and so many migraines, it's hard to count. Now I'm not trying to sound all "mary sunshine" here, but I kinda felt like my last year of really working on my 'cheery attitude' and outlook helped out. I was overwhelmed, but felt okay. I still am a little overwhelmed, since we're still dealing with some of those lovlies, but I just know that next year I can look back and read this post and feel gratitude that I had what I needed at the time to get through it.

Okay, here's the main thing I learned about last year and through the last several weeks: the Atonement is for me, right now, everyday. I learned a lot about this after Trenton was born. I felt especially close to my Heavenly Father in the hospital and felt like I would be alright and be able to go home to Trenton soon. I have felt the last few months be another strengthening of that testimony. I have felt myself rely on my Savior in a very real way. I have let every story or talk about motherhood melt into my heart and let it be a way for my very real work of mommying be enough.
I have learned how to have my ambitions and lists and be a little more flexible from day to day. Knowing that I can always wash the baseboards in a few years from now (but maybe, just maybe a few months) helps me take precious time for myself. Me getting exercise and curling my hair has been more important than the house. Feeling good helps me then take care of my kids, my husband. I had to really build up some good stuff in my first though. I sometimes say no to neighbors so I can force myself to take a bath or actually read a book. Tonight, for the first time in a LONG time, I sat down and held Tyler while watching a movie with him and Trenton. I didn't have a project spread out on the floor or something in my hands. I just did nothing. That's SO HARD for me, but my soul felt so good.
I'm not saying that I do nothing. But I'm re-learning what my limits are. I know they will pick up again, and they have since last year, but allowing one thing at a time back in, only after careful evaluation of its' value, has been amazing.
One blessing Heavenly Father is allowing me right now is that I get to teach the Sunbeams with Ben. We have a class of 10 3-year-old boys, one with severe learning disabilities. But I can put my whole heart into that for two hours a week, and really love those boys, and I feel happy. I know it won't be forever, but I know that's a tender mercy for me right now.

Mostly, what I'm saying is that we women are amazing. We do everything for everyone else and we give until we're bled dry. I am slowly learning how to live in the balance Heavenly Father wants for my life. It does involve taking care of myself - spiritually and physically - so I can take care of my family and friends. Gaining a deeper testimony of how the atonement works in my life - a 29-year-old mother of three - has been the most important thing this last year. And so, to my sweet friend - and you know who you are - You are amazing! I love you. Hang in there and just take one day at a time. You'll take three steps forward with an awesome week and then feel crappy again when two weeks of backwards steps hit. It's okay to just do what you can for that day. I suggest feeding and sleeping your family. :)
Take a deep breath. Oxygen is amazing.

One story - just for laughs! In the hospital with Tyler a few weeks ago: Tyler still hadn't woken up yet and Ben and I were just trying to breath and take it all in. Ben turns to me and says "Well, we just hit our deductible for the year - if you wanna have a baby, this year it will be free!" Isn't that when all mothers think of having another one? In the hospital with a child you already have? Oh, I love that husband of mine!